Liz Taylor
Special to The Seattle Times
SEATTLE (the Seattle Times), May 19, 2008:
When Benjamin Franklin said, "In this world nothing can be said to be is certain, except death or taxes," he probably couldn't imagine how thoroughly American society would scrub the very idea of dying.
Not only do Americans prefer to ignore their aging but the notion of death is beyond the pale. My parents died several years ago, and I think of them every day. It took my parents' deaths to realize that this is our legacy — to be remembered warmly. I catch a glimpse of my mom every time I look in the mirror; I'm reminded of one of my dad's sayings as the fall air turns cold; I use my mom's measuring cups when I cook — this is all part of the grace that remains after we've left this earth.
I endured the sadness well when my parents died because they had talked about their deaths off and on throughout their lives. It wasn't a secret. It just WAS. Being practical members of the Great Generation, they treated death as a natural part of living.
Life isn't forever, for any living entity. The more we pretend we'll live forever, the more we set ourselves up for great emotional and often financial catastrophe when our lives, as they were meant to do, end. The more we can come to terms with the inevitably of our aging and our dying, the more control we'll have over what happens.
The good news is, there are more options to talk about, more ways to thread this needle than in the past.
The New York Times reported on a program in New Hampshire that allows older people to have "slow medicine" — less-aggressive intervention when the likely outcome is a prolonged dying experience. One of the reasons: a 2002 study published in the journal Heart found that fewer than 2 percent of people in their 80s and 90s who had been resuscitated for cardiac arrest at home lived for a month. Not only can heroic measures be futile, but they can be expensive and unpleasant, leading to a miserable death.
The time to think about what we want done with our bodies is now.
Readers may remember my November three-part series on some of the unsavory realities of the funeral industry (search for "Liz Taylor and funeral" on seattletimes.com to read the series). The villain isn't the providers nearly as much as it is our ignorance — our refusal to think about these things ahead of time. There are many ways of dealing with our bodies after we die.
There are now home funerals, environmentally friendly funerals, and no funerals at all. There are efforts to allow people to take control of their deaths when they're terminal, like the Death With Dignity Initiative (www.yeson1000.org). There are also more than 100 programs in many states — like the People's Memorial Association in Seattle, the oldest consumer funeral planning group in the nation — that build community and legislative support for fair pricing, full disclosure of prices and options, and more affordable choices.
Next month, the Funeral Consumers Alliance, a consortium of funeral planning groups throughout the country, and Seattle's People's Memorial Association will host a national conference in Seattle where all of this will be discussed.
Most of us age accidentally, without planning or forethought. Aging Deliberately tells us how to age on purpose. You can reach Liz Taylor at lizt@agingdeliberately.com. Her Web site is www.AgingDeliberately.com.
Copyright © 2008 The Seattle Times Company
